Too Young To Be Grumpy

Academic Papers. Tosh.
From phdcomics.com



As part of my work as a researcher, I have to stop doing research and write about what it is I've done. This is written up in academic papers. Academic papers are basically about making whatever it is you're doing look so complicated that no-one else could have thought of it, and make it sound like the most Earth-changing device since the primordial soup. Of course, as a researcher you have to read these papers, as well as write them, so its patently obvious that what the paper's author has done might be interesting, even slightly innovative, but, just like your own research, it's really just another means for getting more money from the research sponsors, hence the reason to make it look more complicated than it really is.

I hate that. I really hate trying to bullshit about the work I've done. My boss is the best at it, using great-long words that only dictionaries know. But this is why he's such a successful academic. Me, I don't want to be an academic. My brain gets words mixed up anyway, without trying to process 8 syllabubbles. So, when I write papers I tend to write the truth as it is. I did this for my PhD dissertation too. My external examiner said "I don't like your writing style." Thanks. My papers have been turned down at a number of conferences for various reasons - "Not technical enough", "Reads like a technical manual", "Not enough novel research", etc. - and honestly, I couldn't give a shit. What all of the referees meant really, was "I understood this, as it was written technically and truthfully, so it can't be complicated enough or high-brow enough for our conference." Unfortunately, my bosses still make me write the damn things.

Anyway, I'm currently writing a journal paper. These are identical to conference papers, except 3 times longer. I'm upto 10 pages so far. I've still got ample to write, but if I don't bullshit it up a bit with some longer words and unneccessary mathematical formulae, I don't see that it will get accepted. *sigh*